


Sheets

by hyxngwo



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-03-09
Packaged: 2019-10-08 11:54:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17386013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyxngwo/pseuds/hyxngwo
Summary: Hyungwon and Hoseok's relationship is as toxic as it can get. It's filled with daily arguments, violence and a broken trust.Hyungwon is afraid of Hoseok, but he's just as afraid of losing him. Despite how toxic their relationship is, every time they go to sleep or wake up in the other's arms, it feels like none of it is real. The moments of silence in the bed, in the other's company. Nothing is violent and they love each other just like when they first met each other.Everyone keeps telling Hyungwon to break up with Hoseok, but he can't let go of the minutes with him where everything is forgotten.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please do remember that i love wonho with my whole heart

"IF I TOLD YOU NOT TO TEXT HIM AGAIN, THEN WHY IS HE STILL SHOWING UP ON YOUR FUCKING DISPLAY?" hyungwon felt the familiar pain against his cheek from hoseok's hand. feeling how the spot grew redder, but he didn't say anything. didn't react. he only sat there, his phone tightly held in his hand as hoseok was yelling in front of him.

the apartment's walls weren't that thick, and hyungwon honestly felt bad for their neighbours. they had never gotten any noise complaints, but maybe it was because they were just as scared of hoseok, as hyungwon was.

every time he would meet them in the hall, their heads would only be thrown down. acting like they didn't know what was happening in their apartment, but hyungwon could see it on their faces. 

there had been a day, a few weeks back. hoseok had yelled at him again. been more violent that day. hyungwon had stormed out of the apartment afterwards as he needed fresh air. as he had stepped out of the apartment, their neighbour had done the same, and instead of avoiding his gaze, she came and held hyungwon's hand for a second. almost looking like she wanted to cry for him.

_hoseok._  he had always been jealous. every time hyungwon would text some of his friends, he would always make hyungwon show him his texts, just to make sure that he wasn't cheating on him. it hadn't been that bad in the start of their relationship, just a little jealousy that hyungwon actually found cute and teased him about. but a year into the relationship, hyungwon got a new job and therefore new colleagues. hoseok found out that one of the colleagues was gay too and everything instantly became gradually worse.

but despite hoseok not trusting hyungwon, the younger had no problem in trusting hoseok. he knew that the guy didn't cheat on him. despite everything, hoseok wasn't that type of person. he was loyal to the last second and hyungwon really appreciated that, but it just wasn't enough.

"hoseok he's just asking about some work, there's nothing behind it" a hand tangled into his hair and yanked his head up, a sharp pain felt at the roots and a hiss escaping hyungwon's lips. after almost two years of the violent acts, hyungwon had learned to keep relaxed when hoseok was acting up. he had learned to live with the pain as it was almost always the same.

a slap to his cheek or a punch to different parts of his face. hoseok kept it somewhat minimum. sometimes he was more violent other days and that's when hyungwon would need a second of fresh air. make sure to not shed a single tear as hoseok would only scold him for it.

"do you think i give a shit? i'm not saying it one more time. block him" hoseok let go of hyungwon's hair, walking off to somewhere else in the apartment and leaving hyungwon alone on the bed in their shared bedroom. it was getting late and hyungwon knew what was coming soon. deciding to get up and find hoseok and tell him goodnight.

he was standing in the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water as hyungwon stepped into the room with cautious steps. hoseok placed the glass on the counter and accepted hyungwon into his arms. placing his hands on his hips to hold him tight, hyungwon leaning in to kiss his lips softly. telling him a soft 'goodnight' before walking back to the bedroom. 

crawling under the covers to lay, reflect on the day and the pain it brought with it. hoseok came in a little later, finding his spot in the bed and grabbing a hold of hyungwon's tiny and fragile body. pulling it to him in order to wrap his arms around him. 

a kiss being pressed to hoseok's chest and he could feel how hyungwon gently smiled against his skin. hoseok running his fingers through his brown locks. 

"i love you" it was quiet, but hoseok could hear it. his eyes finding hyungwon's, even in the dark room. smiling at him before leaning down to kiss his lips. his arms tightening around hyungwon's waist as he was pulled even closer, leaving no room for air between them. whispering a quiet 'i love you too' against his plump lips before pulling back and just take his time to look at him.

none of them ever dared say that they loved the other in the daytime. because if they did, they would never really be sure if they meant it. but whenever they would lay there. on the white sheets of the comfortable bed that they had shared for a couple of years now. where everything would be quiet and perfect. they would both say it with their heart, and of course it was so wrong to only know that they meant it when everything was forgotten.

but hyungwon cherished it too much to ever let it go.


	2. Chapter 2

the room was warm. some might even say that it would be too warm and it would just earn them a head ache. but for a few minutes, none of them cared. the sun was shining down on hyungwon's face, hoseok finding him absolutely stunning. hyungwon noticed the way hoseok's eyes were shining, the smile on his face not nearly wide enough to show how much love was actually hidden behind them.

but hyungwon could see it. how it looked like hoseok was ready to throw everything out for hyungwon. that morning. hyungwon had never seen as much love in hoseok's eyes, and for just a quick second, he thought it meant that the day to follow wouldn't be like any other. that it would be like in the start of their relationship. back to when all they would do, would be to lay on the couch and just stare at the other for hours. snuggled into the others arms.

it really felt like the day would be different. so special. 

and it was. but not like hyungwon had hoped.

it had all started half an hour after they got out of bed, the weekend on its last day before they both had to get back to work. hyungwon had accidentally pushed a glass down from the counter. the sound of the glass shattering against the hardwood floor sent a shiver through his body. he didn't dare turn around to look at hoseok who was seated at the table.

"you're such a fucking dumb bitch, honestly" that, and the sound of hoseok's feet walking away was the only thing that had happened at first. hyungwon remembers how he had had to choke down of what could have been described as a sob, as he bent over the counter. holding his head in his shaking hands. whether he had been about to cry over hoseok's words, or if it was out of relief of nothing more happening, he couldn't really tell.

and if he had told this to any of his friends, he knew that they would have said that he was too far out if he had cried because he was relieved that nothing more had happened. but he couldn't let go.

the second incident had happened a few hours later. they were both sitting on the couch, watching something on tv, when someone had called hyungwon. it being one of hyungwon's friends and the boy had no problem in answering the phone. though didn't leave the room as he knew hoseok would have told him that whenever he answered a phone call, he had to be around. 

it had been jooheon calling. a guy hyungwon had shared a room with in university and instantly became best friends with. hoseok knew everything about him. not because he had forced hyungwon to tell him, but because in the start, hyungwon had loved to share stories about his past roommate.

jooheon had told him how he had gotten a new job the week prior, his boss turning out to be another friend from university that they lost contact with. stories from that time popping up in his head and he couldn't help but let out a laugh when jooheon started talking about some. forgetting that hoseok was there beside him.

but when he had hung up, hoseok had instantly asked every possible question. who it was, what they wanted. but he wouldn't leave the fact alone that someone, a guy, had made hyungwon laugh like that. not wanting to believe a word he said and hyungwon ended up being screamed at. the familiar stinging pain in his cheek accompanied by a red mark was back. he was left alone for a minute while hoseok went out to find something to eat.

the third incident was around afternoon. hoseok had asked him when he would arrive home from work the next day, but for some reason, hyungwon didn't answer him. so he had asked again but the boy still refused to answer. his head kept low. hoseok had started yelling at him, hyungwon had yelled back, and like that it continued for what felt like an hour. 

somedays, hyungwon would feel brave and talk back to hoseok. that's how the arguments would start until it evolved into hoseok realizing it would never end and having to end it by beating hyungwon up. 

this was also when hyungwon would feel extra sorry for the neighbours.

but everything had felt like the start when hoseok had stormed into the kitchen, after they had finished eating dinner and hyungwon was washing the dishes. he had heard the deep footsteps coming from behind but stayed still until something happened. a somewhat heavy object had been thrown at him and hit him directly on the back of his head.

he had stood still for a second, just watching how his hands had started to shake so vigorously. but ended up turning around so he could meet hoseok's eyes. 

"didn't i tell you to block him. and didn't i tell you it was my last warning?" hoseok's voice had changed so drastically. it wasn't like hyungwon had ever heard it. it was low and filled with so much hatred and hyungwon couldn't tell if the hatred was directed towards him, or his colleague. it scared him. it fucking terrified him and hyungwon had wanted to crumple up on the ground and never hear it again.

"hoseok, you don't understand. i can't just block a co-worker" hyungwon almost always started some of his sentences by mentioning the older's name. telling himself that the person who was abusing him, was the same person that he fell in love with three years earlier. trying to tell himself that it was getting too much, that he needed to get out of the relationship. but it never happened.

it had happened so fast. how he had suddenly just been pinned to the counter. hyungwon never forgets how just the feeling of hoseok's fingers curling around his neck, had terrified him more than anything else. and this was the first time hyungwon couldn't stay calm. the fear that shot through his body as he felt hoseok deny him air had in itself been too scary for him to think clear.

he couldn't focus on what hoseok was saying, only focus on how he thought that this was the end. hoseok's grip on his neck only getting tighter, before completely disappearing. fell to the floor trying to catch his breath. it felt like the air he was inhaling, wasn't making it all the way down to his lungs, and for the first time, hyungwon cried.

he couldn't hold it in any longer. his cries started out quietly but as it became hard to find his breath again while crying as well, his cries turned to sobs and was way more vocal than hyungwon wanted. but he couldn't stop. he couldn't stop crying as his hand held his neck, almost like he thought it would help the situation.

all while hoseok was only standing there in front of him, staring at him.

"fucking whore" hyungwon had tried to ignore his words. but everything had become too real and he couldn't deny the situation anymore. he was trying so hard to tell himself, that all of this was happening because hoseok loved him. but hoseok only walked away and left hyungwon sitting there on the floor.

hyungwon was the last to join the bed later that night. immediately crawling into hoseok's arms and listening to the way he told him that he loved him. believing him because there on the sheets. nothing had happened.

he told him how beautiful he was and how happy he was with him. and hyungwon believed him. because there on the sheets. nothing had ever happened.


	3. Chapter 3

the alarm woke them early that morning. hyungwon's eyes instantly landing on hoseok's face that was dimly lit by the sun rising outside. his eyes still closed and hyungwon had to let a finger run under his right eye. going down to run over his lips. 

hoseok opened his eyes slightly, staring back at hyungwon before leaning in to kiss him. the kiss deepening and hoseok rolled onto his back, still with hyungwon tightly wrapped in his arms, and placed the younger boy on top of him.

even if they knew they had to get up, they stayed a little longer together that morning. until hoseok had to get up as he had to go to work an hour before hyungwon.

hyungwon was standing against the counter, waiting for his bread to toast as he just stared at hoseok. the guy sitting there and eating his own breakfast while scrolling through his phone. 

"my parents are coming over for dinner tonight. just wanted to let you know" hoseok flashed him a quick smile, his tone soft and inviting. something inside hyungwon's chest had felt warm and he knew that he missed moments like that. outside the bed and the sheets, where hoseok would be warm and such a loving boyfriend. 

had to stroll over to him and lift his head up a little so he could lean down and kiss his pretty lips. hoseok's hand coming up to hold onto hyungwon's cheek, rub his thumb over it. the moment didn't last as long as hyungwon had wanted it to. 

hyungwon never looked in the mirror anymore. afraid he'd end up seeing something that would show how much the abuse had affected him. he never sees his parents anymore either. afraid they'll see what goes on in the apartment.

but as hyungwon never looks in the mirror anymore, he didn't know how hoseok had ended up leaving a big red mark on his neck from the incident the day before. not being aware of it and walking into the office like any other normal day. but minhyuk, the co-worker hoseok beats hyungwon up over, he was quick to ask him about it. the concern coating his voice, and at first, hyungwon had no idea what he was talking about. but minhyuk took a picture of his neck, as there were no mirrors in sight, and showed it to hyungwon. 

hyungwon couldn't speak. didn't know what to say. the only thing he could think about was how to hide it before hoseok's parents came by later that evening. because if he didn't and they would end up questioning it, he wouldn't know what to say just like with minhyuk. hoseok would scold him for it. tell him that it was his fault and that he should be more cautious with things like that.

he was always told that. so many times that hyungwon had started to believe it.

minhyuk didn't know what was going on between hyungwon and hoseok. he never dared say it to anyone, but jooheon had noticed how both of their behaviours had changed and was quick to figure out why hyungwon would always have some kind of bruise covering his skin. he never directly told hyungwon that he knew it, but would always tell him to get out of the relationship, in the form of acting like he was talking about someone else.

and by the time hyungwon met up with jooheon for lunch the same day, the boy couldn't hold himself back any longer and had to speak.

"is this the first time he's ever choked you?" jooheon's voice had been low and gentle, but hyungwon didn't focus on those things. he had instantly stopped up in place, looked at jooheon for a second before excusing himself and running back to the company. afraid that jooheon knew. afraid that he would make him leave hoseok. 

later that day when hyungwon returned from work at around five-thirty, hoseok wasn't home. probably out buying groceries. the apartment was nicely quiet, hyungwon taking his time to fill a glass with water.

though the doorbell rang for a moment and hyungwon got up from the chair to open up the door for the person. it was the neighbour, standing in the door with a pot in her hands. the smile on her lips very warm and hyungwon could only smile back.

she explained how they had had a few guests over earlier that day and had made too much food for themselves and therefore came by to ask hyungwon if they wanted it. while she was talking hoseok came up the stairs behind her, a plastic bag in his hand that looked quite heavy. hyungwon tried not to look at hoseok as he accepted the pot. 

though hyungwon noticed how she eyed hoseok as she went back to her own apartment. hoseok's own glued on hyungwon. silently walking in again, knowing that hoseok was right behind him.

placing the pot down on the counter in the kitchen, standing there and only waiting for hoseok to come into the room and slap him over the cheek _like he was supposed to._ and he did. somehow it felt a little harder than normal and hyungwon blamed it on his workout. hoseok quietly told him that he shouldn't talk to neighbours. 

hoseok obviously knew that they heard all their arguments. not completely knowing if they knew about the violence, but he wasn't going to take any chances. therefore having to teach hyungwon to never interact with them.

it had been only three hours later when hoseok's parents had arrived. hyungwon had put on a turtleneck to hide the red marks, having to look into the mirror to make sure you couldn't see it.

hoseok's parents hadn't come by in a long time, but was just as happy to see hyungwon like any other time. they really cherished hyungwon a lot, and while they were around, hoseok had to act like he did too. a continues smile on his face that seemed fake, but would have been so real if had just been those two laying on the bed with each other.

the evening had obviously gone by great, the two acting like they were happier than ever. but when they had left, hoseok had said goodbye to them in the hall and hyungwon was placing the dishes in the sink, hyungwon found out that something must have triggered the older somewhere along the hours with his parents, as a wine glass was shattered on his head.

the impact of it leaving hyungwon in absolute shock so he couldn't do anything else but choke down a sob as he watched hoseok leave the room without an explanation. hyungwon's fingers finding the spot where he had been hit, his hair already wet and sticky from the blood. 

he knew he had to clean up the shards on the floor before cleaning up his hair, therefore resulting in a few drops of blood dripping down onto the floor that hyungwon could only quickly wipe away so it didn't leave a stain.

"he can't be violent if you just don't do anything that would make him" yet again, if anyone had ever heard hyungwon say that to himself, they would have wanted him to get help. it was far from healthy to think like that, but he didn't want to leave hoseok.

when hyungwon walked into the bedroom, ready to go to sleep, hoseok sat up into the bed and made hyungwon come sit in his lap. wrapping his strong arms around him and holding him tight as he swayed from side to side. whispering in his ear how stunning, _how beautiful,_  he was. hyungwon loved it. he loved _him._


	4. Chapter 4

his whispers were the first thing he heard that morning. the quiet 'baby?' felt like it came from heaven. lips attacked his own and hyungwon felt like he was ready to die in hoseok's arms right there. his eyes opened and hoseok instantly flashed him the most beautiful smile. kissing every part of his face, hyungwon having to let out such a loud laugh as it tickled. his kisses moving to his neck and down his chest, hyungwon tangling his fingers into his strands of hair as he couldn't catch his breath because of the continues laughs.

his arms holding on tightly around hoseok to keep him close, and as hoseok came back up to look him in the eyes, hyungwon couldn't help himself and had to ask him to stay in bed with him. hoseok agreed. for some reason.

he even called in to work to say that he would have to come in later, and right in that moment, hyungwon really believed that everything had changed over night.

hoseok continued to kiss him, to praise him and tell him how much he loved him. he was another person. 

"i miss you, hoseok" hyungwon's hands went up to cup hoseok's face, and even if he promised himself to never bring up their real relationship on the bed, he had to. he wanted him back. he wanted his loving boyfriend back. he wanted hoseok back. he wanted him back, he wanted him back, _he fucking wanted him back._

he cried. he cried into hoseok's chest while hoseok held him. but hoseok didn't say anything. his smile dropped and his emotions drained. they promised themselves to never talk about it there, but of course hyungwon couldn't hold himself back.

hoseok got up, hyungwon tried to cling onto him to make him stay but he didn't. he didn't stay and hyungwon kept on crying into his pillow.

_he missed him. he fucking did._

hoseok was still sitting in the kitchen when hyungwon had calmed down. his eyes still red his face a little swollen.

but he could tell that the aura of hoseok was weird.

he stood up from his chair and rushed to hyungwon, and out of pure reflex, hyungwon had tried covering his head. but hoseok's arms wrapped around his waist and he was pulled into a hug. 

"i'm sorry" hoseok never apologized. because _nothing happens. nothing has ever happened. nothing will ever happen._ or that's what hyungwon claims. but he did. he apologized. "i love you" he changed. he _had_ changed. and hyungwon's eyes lit up. telling him he loved him too. 

it was strange. hoseok was. but hyungwon didn't want to notice it. because this was the hoseok he wanted.

-

hyungwon went out with jooheon for lunch again, like any other day. they didn't work in the same company, but they had always been close either way. the sandwich place wasn't that crowded and gave jooheon the opportunity to talk.

"how long has it been going on" hyungwon visibly stiffened. knowing what he was talking about but didn't want to actually continue the conversation even if he knew he had to. "what do you mean?" jooheon turned his head in the direction of hyungwon. the other boy having thrown his own down as to not having to look him in the eyes.

"you know what i mean" jooheon's voice was extremely careful, clearly knowing that a topic like this was really sensitive and he didn't want hyungwon to break down crying right then and there. "i don't want to talk about it. if i do, the fact that i've lost hoseok becomes too real" jooheon couldn't help but raise an eyebrow at hyungwon. lost for words in the small silence.

" _the fact that you've lost him?_  hyungwon he beats you up" the younger had to raise his tone in disbelief. immediately having to look around if anyone heard him and he noticed how hyungwon did the same. "i don't care okay. the fact that i've lost him is what hurts the most, you really don't get it" the other stayed still for a second, before gently laying his hand on the table, taking hyungwon's to hold it.

"no, i don't get it. but what i do get is that it's so far from healthy to stay with him. think about it, please" hyungwon didn't want to tell the younger about how much they love each other when being together in bed.

it felt like it was supposed to stay between those two. like it was the same as their relationship outside of the bed. they weren't allowed to talk about it. so maybe hyungwon wasn't allowed to bring the happy moments up when he wasn't laying there with hoseok. 

though of course, hyungwon always thought about it in their normal lives. was always waiting for the day to be over so he could finally be together with him. he never said it out loud, but he was certain hoseok knew it. 

every time hoseok would yell at him or use any physical contact, it was easy to see it in hyungwon's eyes. how he only waited for the day to be over. and maybe hoseok knew that hyungwon still believed in their love. still believed that there was something between them and that's why he stayed.

their food was suddenly ready and hyungwon instantly let go of jooheon's hand. getting his part and walking off without even saying goodbye.

it obviously hurt jooheon seeing him like that. knowing what was going on but not having a chance to do anything. to help.

at the start of hyungwon's and hoseok's relationship, jooheon talked a lot with hoseok. thinking he was the sweetest and most gentle person and the absolute best that could've ever happened to hyungwon. so maybe that was why jooheon understood that hyungwon couldn't just let go of him.

-

ever since hyungwon had come home from work that day, hoseok had only kept his distance. not a lot of words exchanged nor any physical contact of any sort. though as hyungwon stepped into the bedroom later that night, hoseok didn't spare a second to have him pinned to the mattress, hovering over him and only staring into his eyes. almost like he too had just waited for the night to come so they could end up there.

hoseok didn't say a word but let his hand gently slide down hyungwon's body, before stopping at the waist and letting it travel under his shirt to feel the warm skin under it. his eyes looking the boy up and down before meeting hyungwon's again.

hyungwon couldn't help but throw his arms around his neck and pull him down into a kiss. feeling how his lips were so soft and he had to smile into the kiss. wanting to stay like that forever. just like any other night or morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> happy birthday to my absolute favourite person in the world, hyungwon<3333333


	5. Chapter 5

despite how the covers was almost covering nothing over hyungwon's naked body, he was extremely warm by how hoseok's warm skin against his own heated him up.

the alarm behind hyungwon was going off, telling them that they had to get up, and hyungwon would've turned it off, but couldn't move in hoseok's grip. trying to talk to him a little to wake him a little more up, so he could turn the alarm off. and it seemed like it worked when one of the arms that was holding tightly onto hyungwon, suddenly disappeared, leaving his skin a little cold, but the sound of the alarm stopped and dissolved into the air.

though the arm came back, pulling him a little closer to hoseok even if it wasn't possible, and he felt how the older hid his face in the crook of hyungwon's neck. his light snores, the ones that hyungwon adored so dearly, sounding again and giving away that hoseok had fallen asleep again. 

and because hyungwon felt extra good that day, and maybe because he himself had a day off, he didn't do anything to make sure they got up. cuddling into hoseok and falling asleep himself again.

not thinking about the consequences.

-

he was awoken again around noon, by loud noises coming from every corner of the apartment. hyungwon quietly looked around the bedroom, noticing hoseok wasn't in bed anymore. finding a pair of boxers to slip into, before standing from the bed.

they had always had a big full length mirror, standing beside the door inside their bedroom. hyungwon's eyes quickly slipping over his reflection, noticing all the bruises on his bare skin. the hickeys that hoseok left last night, not blending in with all the other bruises. the hickeys keeping their red and almost purple color, whereas the bruises were much bigger and where a few was even turning blue, green and even brown.

hyungwon found hoseok in the entry, putting on shoes. it was easy to tell that hoseok was stressed and as his eyes landed on hyungwon, he suddenly found time to stop everything he was doing just to walk up to the boy and slap him over the cheek. the sound of hoseok's palm hitting the skin on hyungwon's cheek, sounded so much louder in the silent apartment.

"i'm four hours late for work because you thought it was more important to stay in bed with me" hyungwon didn't say anything, his eyes only following how hoseok threw on his jacket, gripping the keys that was laying on the little dresser. "you're so fucking useless" hoseok slammed the door a little too loud, the sound resonating through the apartment, and after that sound had died out, hyungwon could hear hoseok's quick footsteps down the stairs.

he didn't notice how a single tear rolled down his cheek, before the little fade sound of it landing on the floor, made him aware. 

he really _had_ become weaker lately.

-

hoseok came back at around five, and just by the way he slammed the door, he knew that he wasn't happy. 

crawling up in a corner of the couch, his eyes fixed on the tv, trying to act like he wasn't scared. after the day hoseok had choked him, he realized that he wasn't afraid to be rough. and the way he had smashed that wine glass on his head, had just confirmed it.

but for a few minutes, the apartment grew quiet. almost as if hoseok had left again without hyungwon being able to hear the door open and close. but he suddenly showed himself in the doorframe, obviously looking for the younger.

he didn't pick up pace, as he made his way over to hyungwon, but his steps wasn't light either. hyungwon tried crawling just a little further up against the corner, but a hand grabbed a hold of his arm and threw him across it. a sharp pain shooting through his arm, and for a quick second, hyungwon really believed that it had been dislocated. 

a hand yet again curled it's way around hyungwon's neck, and hyungwon absolutely hated how he had to admit that it felt familiar.

hoseok almost crawled on top of him, a knee pressing hard against the younger's stomach, and the grip on his neck only getting tighter. making sure that it would leave another red mark for the next days to follow.

the way his hand was taking away his ability to breathe, and the way his knee was pressing so hard into his stomach. it all felt so completely intense that hyungwon lost directions of where he was for a second, before he met hoseok's eyes.

"because of how selfish you were this morning, i was almost fired from work" yet again, hyungwon kind of lost any contact with his senses. not really being able to focus on what hoseok was saying, but instead trying to fight him off of him. somehow managing to actually push him off. 

though not getting a chance to really catch his breath, as he was almost thrown against the nearest wall. the last bit of air being pushed directly out of his lungs, having to let out a few coughs. 

throwing his head up to instantly find hoseok, the guy picking up a mug that was standing on the coffee table, throwing it at the younger. hyungwon avoided it but had to turn around as he heard it shatter against the wall. speechless as he looked back at hoseok.

"are you fucking insane?" hoseok didn't say much, kept his eyes on hyungwon, and it was easy to tell how he wanted to throw something else. " _nothing_  is my fault. you were the one that fell asleep again. i can't block a co worker, just because my fucking boyfriend tells me to. you've lost your fucking mind and i wish i was able to leave you" hyungwon didn't move. his eyes going down to the floor to look at the million shards that he eventually would have to clean.

"i'm not your fucking property hoseok. you can't tell me what to do anymore" 

"but you will. because you know what happens if you don't"

"it's beyond me that you can seem proud of what you do" hyungwon crouched down to swiftly pick up the biggest shards, laying them on the table before coming back up to hoseok.

"i'm not. but this is who i am and it's not my fault that you can't leave. it's not like i'm fucking forcing you to stay" hyungwon was actually generally surprised that no one was yelling today. they were talking like actual adults, but obviously hyungwon knew that he was so close to breaking down. probably more surprised that he actually hadn't yet.

"whatever. i'm going to bed" leaving the shards be on the floor, just walking by hoseok without sparing him a single glance. "i'll come with you" 


	6. Chapter 6

soft fingertips were roaming the skin of his back as hyungwon opened his eyes. instantly seeing how hoseok had just been watching him for god knows how long. the softest little smile tugging on the older's lips as he saw how hyungwon gently opened his eyes, telling him that he was finally awake.

his face was littered with a thousand small kisses, his eyes instantly falling shut again as he wanted to enjoy more of the touch. hoseok's arms tightening around him, everything there at once and then suddenly it was gone.

hoseok getting up from the bed, sitting at the end of the bed as he threw on a t-shirt, the fade morning light covering his naked back for a swift second, before that was gone too. everything just seemed to go so extra fast these past days.

though hyungwon got up too, finding a shirt himself and following hoseok out to the kitchen. he was already making coffee, the familiar noise of the coffee beans getting grounded filled his ears and it was the most relaxing thing ever. 

taking out two mugs from the cabinet, hyungwon poured in the warm dark liquid as hoseok toasted two slices of toast. no one saying anything but they didn't have to. hoseok reached over to turn on the radio on the counter, disturbing the silence but it was so nice to hear the radio host's voice fill out the room. so low and calm. just like hoseok's own voice.

"jooheon is coming over this afternoon" hyungwon muttered out with a raspy voice, gaining the attention of the older who was leaning against the counter across the small room. quietly sipping on his freshly made coffee. "why?" hoseok's voice was just as low as hyungwon had expected it to be. not because it was early in the morning but because he had to show hyungwon that he was still the one to decide what he could do and couldn't do. 

that he had no say in anything anymore.

"he just wanted to come by" hyungwon replied a little quietly, watching the older's every move to make sure he wasn't going to do anything. and he didn't. besides nodding and putting the empty coffee cup in the sink, going off to their bedroom to get dressed.

-

a soft knocking was heard on the door and for a quick second, hyungwon inhaled and exhaled. opening the door at the same moment he let the heavy breath escape his lungs and lips again. he was met with a warm and calm smile on jooheon's lips, shadows casting over the bumps of his dimples.

hyungwon sent him a smile as well, greeting him and stepping aside to let him come in. 

the younger was holding a bouquet flowers in his right hand, gladly giving them to hyungwon and leaving him speechless.

"why flowers?" hyungwon asked as he followed jooheon with his eyes. watching him take off his shoes and jacket before walking further into the apartment. "you deserved them" the younger casually replied. both of them finding their way to the living room, eyes falling upon hoseok who was sitting on the couch, silently watching tv.

leaving jooheon alone for a second as he went to find a vase he could put the flowers in. filling it with water and coming back into the living room where he placed the vase on the windowsill. making eye contact with hoseok as he did so, both of their expressions cold and just waiting to see who snapped first.

jooheon greeted hoseok with a weird tone to his voice, hoseok smiling at him with such a sincere looking smile that hyungwon almost fell for it.

"do you want anything to drink? coffee?" jooheon turned his head in the direction of where hyungwon's question had come from. only nodding at him with a smile and finding the kitchen with him. sitting down at the table and clearing his throat for a second. turning his head towards the living room to glance at hoseok before turning back towards hyungwon.

"is he kind to you?" joohoen asked with a cold tone to his voice. the smile dropping off his lips as hyungwon's body stiffened at the question. turning his own head towards the living room to see if hoseok had heard anything. "of course. why shouldn't he?" acting like hoseok was the same old loving boyfriend, in order to save himself. knowing hoseok had heard jooheon.

"you know why, don't act like nothing is going on" hyungwon turned to the younger, placing a cup of coffee on the table in front of him. "would you keep quiet?" hyungwon whispered, trying not to make hoseok hear anymore than he already had.

"leave him, hyungwon" jooheon's voice was harsh and demanding, knowing that if he wasn't, hyungwon just simply wouldn't listen. not that he would anyway."i can't live without him" hyungwon's voice turned harsh as well. as much as it could while whispering.

it clearly wasn't the answer the younger had wanted. jooheon just quietly shook his head, letting out a sigh.

"you're pathetic"

-

as hyungwon came into the living room after having said goodbye to jooheon, the older's attention was instantly on hyungwon.

"you told him about this" his voice was low and so threatening, standing from the couch and taking a few steps towards the younger. "no he figured it out himself" hyungwon spoke quietly, trying not to say or do anything that would piss hoseok off.

"because you weren't better at hiding it. i'm honestly so fucking sick and tired of you. that you're still speaking is beyond me" hyungwon's lips parted of shock at the confession, staying still on his spot, wanting to say anything but if it was really worth it.

"and it's beyond _me_  that i haven't cheated on your sorry ass yet" hyungwon spoke up, deciding his life wasn't worth it if he didn't. he watched as hoseok's jaw clenched,  almost being able to hear the ringing noise inside the older's head. taking the last steps towards hyungwon, the older grabbed onto his wrist hard enough  to make sure he couldn't get away.

pulling him to the bedroom, he found an old t-shirt in the closet and ripped it, creating a thinner piece of fabric, but still thick enough for a variety of resistance. throwing the younger to the floor at the end of their bed and taking both his wrists, locking them on his back and tying them together with the piece of fabric. yet somehow he managed to connect his tied hands to the leg of the bed. making him unable to do anything with his hands nor get up.

the realization that hoseok had just tied him to the bed, hit him hard and suddenly he was gasping for air as he couldn't believe the situation. tears spilling down his cheeks as he vigorously tried to get his hands free, though to no avail as hoseok had tied them extra well.

the older knelt down, intertwining his fingers in hyungwon's hair to violently pull his head up so he could meet his eyes. a whimper escaping hyungwon's lips.

"whores get locked up"

hoseok stood back up and left the room and for a second hyungwon believed that the older left him behind, yet he came back. the bouquet of flowers that jooheon had given him in hand. coming back down and everything went so fast the moment he was smacked over the head with the flowers. watching a thousand petals fall to the ground and how the stems of the flowers were all naked suddenly.

hoseok threw the remains to the floor, landing somewhere in all the petals. it smelled incredibly nice but hyungwon couldn't focus on that as he watched hoseok stand up again, leaving him yet again. but this time he heard the front door open and close. hoseok leaving him behind to sit on the floor, tied to the bed unable to move anywhere and unaware of when the older would return.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -quick mentions of rape-
> 
> this one might hurt a little

hyungwon woke up surrounded by the warm and soft material of the bed and covers. hoseok wasn't there beside him, but he could feel his weight somewhere in the bed.

the night before felt absolutely unreal. and if it hadn't been for how his eyes instantly fell over the thousands of flower petals still laying on the floor, he might've actually believed it had all just been a dream.

he remembers falling asleep, still tied to the bed. sitting there and just waiting for hoseok to come back. but how did he end up in the bed again. 

hyungwon quietly sat up in the bed, his eyes instantly finding hoseok at the end of the bed, sitting with his legs over the edge and his gaze glued to the floor. without thinking much, he crawled over and threw his arms around the older's waist. pressing himself against his naked back and feeling that warmth he knows so well.

"maybe we should clean this up" hoseok's voice was low and hoarse, but in a way hyungwon had never heard him speak. lifting a hand to turn hoseok's head so he could see his face. his eyes were red and his whole face was swollen. hyungwon's heart instantly dropping as he made hoseok turn his whole body towards him.

"oh my god hoseok, you cried. why did you-" hyungwon's voice turned worried so fast, his body shivering from the sight and instantly pulling the older into his embrace. feeling how his body was shaking in his arms. "please don't leave me" hoseok's voice sounded so hurt, and the hands that was placed on his back was shaking just as much as the rest of his body.

hyungwon shook his head vigorously, trying to caress hoseok as much as to make him calm down.

"i won't. i promise. if it's because of what i said last night, i'm sorry. okay? i'm so sorry" hoseok crawled out of the embrace and looked at hyungwon. the younger staring into his eyes, his own shimmering with love and he knew jooheon would curse him for it. hyungwon leaned forward and pressed a kiss to hoseok's lips, feeling how one of them trembled and he wasn't exactly sure if it was hoseok or himself.

"should i go make some breakfast? where do you want to eat it? the living room or here?" hyungwon's voice turned so incredibly soft, a little smile on his lips as he stood up from the bed. "will you join me in the living room?" hoseok's voice turned soft as well and hyungwon's smile just grew so bigger, coming back and cupping hoseok's face to kiss him again, humming against his lips as to answer the question.

-

hoseok's weight was pressing him down, and it wouldn't have been that bad if it had been against the couch or bed, but the hard wooden floor was doing nothing good to help his situation. his lungs were fighting to keep him breathing, but the worst part was how he was so close to hoseok and wasn't able to look away from his eyes. obvious hate and disgust in them, leaving no room for the love hyungwon still believed he could find in them.

the older had acted like he did back when they first started dating, the whole day. cuddling with hyungwon the whole day and kept telling him how beautiful he was. and like any other time. hyungwon believed that he had finally changed.

that tying hyungwon to the bed was enough for him and he finally realized that he wasn't that kind of person.

but something had triggered him and yet again, hyungwon didn't know what. so he couldn't have prevented it.

hoseok was pressing him down against the hard floor and he almost wanted to beg him to let him go. the tears threatening to spill, though it wasn't nearly enough yet. his hands  had been restrained again but this time by a pair of actual handcuffs, that a year back had been used to it's own special purpose in bed. but now they were making sure that hyungwon couldn't move. the chain connecting them, wrapped around the leg of the couch, hyungwon's arms above his head keeping him in place.

and somehow he couldn't feel the pain of the metal rubbing against his wrists.

"why are you doing this? what are you gaining from it?" hyungwon hissed, not the slightest trace of something in his voice to give away that he was terrified. only a slight annoyance. "because you let me" hoseok answered back with an almost monotone voice. ignoring the second question but only focusing on the first.

getting off of hyungwon and standing up and just looking down at the younger. watching how his lips parted and his eyes not portraying any kind of emotion, almost as if he had grown used to this.

he kind of had.

but then again, you never really grow used to things like that, do you?

"take these fucking handcuffs off me you coward" hyungwon's voice sounded harsh and demanding somehow, even managing to surprise himself as he realized how well he had learned to stay calm in these situations.

hoseok's lips curled upwards in a sick grin, squatting down beside hyungwon and pulling out the little key from his pockets. "i won't let you free, but i'll give you one hand" unlocking the left hand and immediately cuffing it to the leg and watching how hyungwon sat up. struggling, but still managing.

"why me? why is this happening to me?" the question might have been meant to himself, but hoseok came to squat down in front, grabbing his chin to keep his head where he wanted it. leaning in but only close enough for their lips to brush against each other.

"like i said. because you let me" there was a slight pause, a slight pause with silence and tension. he could feel how his whole body had started to tremble and maybe it was because hoseok was so close to kissing him, but still wasn't. and he knew he should curse himself for being like that.

"you're weak hyungwon, and that's why you're in this situation. i could go out and fuck fifteen guys and you'd still come crawling back to me, apologizing for not being good enough. you're addicted to the attention i give you, even if it hurts you and assures you a shorter life. you could die by my hands and you'd be grateful"

a shiver ran through his body. every single word so clear and his brain knew that hoseok was absolutely right. but still he loved the way hoseok's lips were brushing against his by every word he spoke.

"you should have left when you could, but you didn't and now you're stuck with the insatiable feeling of wanting to get hurt by my hands because it's the only attention you know you're able to get" hoseok's breath was so warm against hyungwon's lips, yet it wasn't enough for him to completely ignore what hoseok was saying. hyungwon couldn't help but let his untied hand run up to gently grab hoseok's nape, wanting to press him closer so he could close the gap and forget everything. but hoseok didn't move.

"do you really still believe it when i tell you that i love you?"

hoseok moved away the second he felt hyungwon's body stiffen and the hand that had held onto his nape, fell to the side. time slowed down and exactly at that moment, hyungwon realized what hoseok had said. the older standing up to look down on him. hyungwon's eyes following him up and hoseok watched how hyungwon looked like a puppy that had just been kicked.

finally the tears spilled over, one tear after another before hyungwon choked on his sobs. his cries getting louder than he was proud of. 

"but you still care for me. you've never cheated on me and you've never raped me either" it was hard to find his breath as he tried speaking, it being a little hard as he was constantly choking on sobs. and his voice was desperate. desperate for any kind of feelings that hoseok had towards him, that wasn't hate or disgust.

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU HYUNGWON. I'VE NEVER CHEATED ON YOU BECAUSE I'M NOT THAT TYPE OF PERSON AND I'VE NEVER RAPED YOU BECAUSE EVEN I KNOW THAT RAPE IS FUCKING DISGUSTING" hoseok's voice echoed through the whole apartment and it was easy to guess that the neighbours had definitely heard him. the words ringing in hyungwon's ears and suddenly he stopped sobbing. though never stopped crying.

hoseok came and unlocked hyungwon's last hand, but the younger couldn't move. just staying on the floor, not even being able to look up at him anymore. only listening to his footsteps that disappeared, this time not leaving the apartment but only going to the bedroom.

and for the first time, hyungwon didn't want to go with him. because he was afraid that everything hoseok said or did in there would probably all just be lies.

only collapsing on the floor and feeling how the sobs forced it's way up his throat yet again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -mentions of the wish to die-
> 
> (but are we even surprised at this point?)

it felt really strange. to lay with his back towards the other man without having his arms around him. the gap between their bodies felt like a thousand miles but hyungwon wanted it that way. hoseok had kept on trying to pull hyungwon's slim body into his embrace, acting like nothing was wrong, but hyungwon refused. didn't even want to touch him anymore.

he had even gotten hoseok to sleep on the couch one night, somehow not saying anything against it and just accepting it.

that night when he had laid alone in the bed, he had cried until his body had given out and put him to sleep. waking up in the morning and instantly starting to cry again, drowning in his own tears. quite literally. 

and today was that morning. supposed to be at work in only two hours from now and there was no way he was going to be able to cover anything up with makeup. he was going to have to sit down beside minhyuk, having to cover his face as much as he could from the other until he would eventually notice it.

at least he could try and cover up the worst.

just getting up from bed with a deep sigh, wiping the tears away and walking out to the kitchen. hoseok was standing against the counter with a cup of coffee in his hand, another mug on the counter with steam coming up from it. indicating that he had made a cup for hyungwon too but there was absolutely no way he was going to drink it.

"hyungwon?" hoseok's voice was low and careful, wanting to see how hyungwon was doing even if it was pretty clear. the younger didn't answer him, didn't even spare him a single glance as he went to open the fridge. finding nothing and deciding to just buy some breakfast on his way to work.

the older put his cup on the counter, walking over to hyungwon and he had wanted to wrap his arms around his waist, but hyungwon found a sudden strength and pushed him off of him with more power than any of them thought he was capable off. especially in that condition. the older stumbling backwards and even managing to fall against the wall with a thump.

"don't fucking touch me, i swear to god hoseok" his voice was coated with so much anger and after hoseok had come to his senses again from the push, his jaw visibly clenched and he came back to hyungwon.

raising his hand as if he had wanted to slap him, but hyungwon didn't move an inch. in any way. didn't flinch and only stared back at hoseok with absolutely no emotion in his eyes.

hoseok only sinking his hand again and going back to his coffee.

-

"hey can we like, not meet for lunch today. i'm quite busy with work" hyungwon tried his best to hide the absolute heartbreak in his voice. minhyuk wasn't at work and hyungwon had thanked every possible god for it. now only having to deal with jooheon.

_"chae hyungwon you better tell me what he did to you right now or i'm calling the fucking police on him and having you witness in court"_ jooheon's voice was beyond stern, hyungwon turning silent for a second as he parted his lips. "he didn't do anything, i'm just busy with work. i promise" jooheon didn't get to say anything else as hyungwon quickly hang up. sucking in a deep breath to keep himself from breaking down again.

going to the bathroom quickly to make sure his makeup up was still covering the most. and just to make sure that if he _did_ break down again, no one would be able to see him.

after his and hoseok's relationship started getting toxic and hoseok started beating him, he had started to buy a lot of full coverage foundation so he could hide behind it. to not draw any unwanted attention or questions.

but as he came back to his office, jooheon was standing there and waiting for him. hyungwon's body obviously stiffening and he had wanted to run but the younger grabbed his arm and pulled him back in. closing the door to make sure to have some privacy.

"sit down" his voice sounded just as stern as it had done over the phone, not giving hyungwon any other choices than to do what he was told. jooheon pulled a little pack of makeup remover wipes up from his jacket, opening the package and immediately running them over the older's face. the red spots on his face coming into view, giving away just how much he had cried. though jooheon only furrowed his eyebrows.

"that was not what i had expected. it isn't that bad actually" hyungwon scoffed at the statement. shaking his head as he avoided looking at the younger. "isn't that bad? i would've rather been fucking smacked over the head with a pan and fall unconscious for a week" letting out a shaky breath, he was fighting against breaking down like he had done the rest of the day, yet right now it was harder than what it had been through the day.

"what did he- hyungwon, tell me what happened. i won't hesitate with doing exactly what i threatened with over the phone so you better start talking" there. that was the moment hyungwon couldn't hold it in any longer, breaking down into low sobs before getting louder and feeling jooheon wrap his arms around him. falling to the floor and jooheon fell with him, his arms not leaving him.

"i can't. because if i do you'll only tell me that you said so and i'm not capable of hearing it" speaking through the cries, trying to muffle them against jooheon's shoulder so no one in the office would hear him. "hyungwon you can't stay quiet forever. i've never seen you like this. he did something really bad to make you react this way" waiting a little to let hyungwon speak, nothing came out besides the sobs.

not wanting to say it and it obviously made jooheon extremely annoyed.

"fine. if you won't tell me what happened, i'm going to ask him myself" jooheon stood up and was about to open the door again, hyungwon instantly panicking and gripping a tight hold on his arm, trying to pull him back as he shook his head so violently. begging him not to in such a pleading whisper.

he wasn't afraid of what hoseok would do to him if he found out jooheon knew. but was more afraid of letting him know he still couldn't leave hoseok even if he didn't love him anymore and had kept lying to him for god knows how long.

jooheon only nodded at hyungwon, agreeing on not doing anything even if he was about to explode out of anger. angry at hoseok for breaking his best friend like that and angry at hyungwon for so many different reasons that he didn't even want to list. just shaking his head at hyungwon before leaving the office.

-

"can we talk?" hoseok's voice came from behind him, turning around towards him as he took off his shoes. he only sent the older a cold glare before walking right past him and into  the bedroom. undressing and just laying down under the covers, not caring that it was still only early evening but just wanted to sleep away everything. 

though hoseok came and crawled onto the bed, removing the thick duvet a little away so he could find hyungwon's face.

"baby please. i just want to apologize" his voice was so soft, sweet and extremely careful and hyungwon hated it with his whole heart. sitting up with a fast move, obviously catching hoseok off guard as the older threw himself back, his eyes  widening a little.

"no. you're not going to apologize. you're going to manipulate with my thoughts again like you do any other fucking time. the fact that you had the fucking _audacity_  to seem like you cried and was hurt. making  _me_  apologize for saying that it was beyond me that i hadn't cheated on you yet. making me feel like everything was my fucking fault when you're the one making the person you had actually loved some time, suffer like this and ruin their fucking life"

raising his voice enough to be sure that the neighbours would hear him, but didn't care as he took a deep breath before meeting hoseok's eyes.

"the fact that i was able to fall in love with such a fucked up and awful person is so fucking far beyond me and i hope one day i'll be able to let your parents know how fucking awful their son acted towards another human being. at this point i feel like everything was a lie. even back then when you claimed you would die for me. i wish i was able to hate you and leave you, but as you said. i can't. because i'm weak and no matter what you do or say, i'll wait for the day i'll die by your hands so won't you do me a favour and just do it now" hoseok couldn't even be mad over his words. so stunned at them all that he was left speechless. forgetting to breathe.

" _hyungwon_ " hoseok's voice cracked and suddenly a tear rolled down his cheek. though hyungwon's expression didn't change. didn't really care because at this point he only believed  that everything was a lie.

hyungwon didn't cry himself. it really wasn't worth it anymore.

"you weren't also completely right. i might love the fact that you still give me attention, but the reason i'm still here is the nights and mornings we shared together. the only reason why i pulled myself through the bruises you left on my body and the words that stayed ringing in my fucking head. because i felt so fucking euphoric laying there with you, but even that you managed to fuck up. that was the only reason to stay alive at some point. _you were_. but what happens when the only reason you want to stay alive turns against you and tries to kill you? you fucking let it. i'm still here because i haven't died by your hands yet. can't leave the only possibility to die behind, can i?" the room went terrifyingly quiet, the only sound was hoseok. now fully sobbing.

"do it. kill me hoseok. let me go of my fucking miseries" the older didn't dare lift  his head to meet hyungwon's eyes. only shaking his head as he tried finding air. "i can't do that. i can't fucking do that hyungwon" his voice almost didn't come out. this time it was hoseok to be absolutely terrified. not knowing what to do. wanting to hold hyungwon and lay with him and never get up again.

he had gone too far and only now he realized it.

"why? you told me you didn't care about me anymore. is it really that hard to do then?" hoseok only kept shaking his head. his sobs turning into actual screams, meanwhile hyungwon's eyes stayed completely dry and emotionless.

hoseok found hyungwon's hand and held it. tight. kissing the back of it repeatedly almost as to silently apologize. but hyungwon took it back and laid back down in the bed. pulling the covers over him again, leaving hoseok to sit there in pain.


	9. Chapter 9

hyungwon woke up to a warm sensation in his hand. opening his eyes and instantly meeting hoseok's, the older sitting up against the nightstand. holding onto hyungwon's hand. it looked like he hadn't been sleeping and had only cried ever since hyungwon fell asleep the night before.

he remembers falling asleep to a low sobbing. hoseok had still been sitting in the bed when he had fallen asleep but were now sitting there. just looking at him with such hurt eyes.

for a swift moment, hyungwon only stared at the older. hoseok had opened his mouth to say something but hyungwon freed his hand and turned his back to hoseok. just pulling the covers further over his head and he heard how hoseok quickly stood up. feeling the bed shift and suddenly he was sitting in front of him with his legs crossed.

"hyungwon please. we need to talk this out, it hurts knowing how you've wanted to die for so long" hoseok's voice was on the verge of breaking, it being obvious in it how he had cried. his throat was dry and his voice was extremely hoarse and low. "you said you didn't love me anymore. that you didn't care anymore. so does it makes sense to you to have you crying at my feet?" hyungwon didn't remove the covers as he spoke, muffling the words but it wasn't necessary because he knew hoseok had heard him.

"you should go to work, hoseok" turning away yet again from the older, only laying in silence as the older didn't dare mutter a word. though soon getting up from the bed to get dressed, as hoseok in fact had to go to work.

it took him around twenty minutes to finish up, having to leave but instead coming back to hyungwon in the bed. only kneeling down beside it and tucking away the duvet so he could look at his face.

"can i at least give you a kiss? _a goodbye kiss_?" hyungwon stared at the older, into his pleading eyes before sitting up. the duvet falling off his body and his shirt showing a golden collarbone. he looked really beautiful. hoseok took the hint and came up to sit on the bed, instantly cupping the younger's face and connecting their lips. hoseok kissing him so hard and passionately and hyungwon really in that moment believed that hoseok still loved him.

hyungwon was the one to pull away, looking into hoseok's eyes again and seeing how they were begging him for so much more, his hands still cupping his face. but as hyungwon didn't do anything, hoseok let go and went to work.

-

his steps was fast up the stairs but still so heavy. he couldn't wait to see hyungwon even if he had had that feeling the whole day. ever since he actually agreed to kiss him. he could feel it but he was really trying to believe that hyungwon was still there.

unlocking the door to the apartment and throwing it open. he quickly stepped inside and couldn't get faster out of his shoes and jacket. his feet suddenly light over the wooden floor.  instantly going to the bedroom but only finding the bed neatly made. 

the apartment was so silent and there were no traces of any other person. the closet door opened a little and hoseok could't help but go over to it and open it. the closet suddenly half empty and missing all of hyungwon's clothes.

his feet only carrying him to the living room where a vase with a single pink carnation. a white envelope right beside it.

he felt his hands shake as he sat down on the couch and reached out for the envelope. opening it carefully, not wanting to rip it. the envelope was containing a single piece of folded paper, unfolding it and instantly recognizing hyungwon's handwriting.

_hoseok._ _my love, my life._

_my sadness and my death._

_you make me so confused. i can't and will never understand your act. you bruised me like i had never meant anything to you, yet when it was time to go to sleep you had never loved me more. and i saw it in your eyes. even after you told me that you didn't love me anymore. your eyes still shimmered like they had always done._

_i remember the first time you told me you loved me. you were so nervous and your hands were shaking. i remember being so worried about you but when your eyes met mine, i knew what you were going to say even before you could open your mouth._

_they may not have shimmered like that whenever you slapped me or told me how useless i was. but there would never be a day where i didn't get to see those eyes that told me how much you were in love. yet i still tried to convince myself, after you told me that you didn't love me anymore, that it was true. even if i looked into those shimmering eyes. i wanted to believe it because i knew it was the only way i could get out of this. and even if i believed that everything could finally change and go back to normal as i told you my thoughts and feelings, i'm still leaving you._

_it's the best for me and i've always known that. you have been the best boyfriend i've ever had, but you ruined it. you really did. i gave you so many chances to finally change. go back to your normal self because i know that the violent you that you showed me every day for the last year, it was only a facade you put up because you were scared of me leaving. it's just sad that when you finally manned up to change, you had already made me decide to leave._

_i'm leaving behind this single pink carnation because of the meaning of it. "i'll never forget you." and i won't ._ _i really won't even if i wish i could. i loved you so much and i still do even if i hate myself for it._

_i won't do anything stupid that could harm myself. don't worry. i'll try and see if i can get better on my own or if i'll have to seek professional help. but either way i know i'll get better some day. and maybe i'll regret this decision. therefore the reason to why i've kept my own key to the apartment. so maybe stay here if i one day decides to come back. maybe not forever, but just to check up on you. who knows._

_but if you do decide to leave, i guess this will be my final goodbye. i know you know where to find me, as i just can't leave my life behind like that. but please don't come and find me. not because i don't want you to, but because it'll be best for both of us._

_i forgive everything you've done, so don't hold any grudges against yourself._

_goodbye hoseok. i'll miss you._

_-hyungwon_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry that the last chapter was a little short but still thank you all for reading this story :)


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